Laugh until your fur hurts…..

 

Dog Jokes

Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
A: Because you can’t bury them in trees!

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make both ends meet!

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!

Q: Why do dogs wag their tails?
A: “Because no one else will do it for them!”

Q: Why didn’t the dog speak to his foot?
A: Because it’s not polite to talk back to your paw!

Q: What is the dogs favorite city?
A: New Yorkie!

Q: Who is the dogs favorite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx!

Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!

Q: How can tell if you have a stupid dog?
A: It chases parked cars!

Cat Jokes 

  • Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.
  • Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.
  • What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
  • What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom.
  • Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
  • What is a cat’s favourite song? Three Blind Mice.
  • What did the freshman computer science major say when he was told that the work stations had mice? Don’t you have a cat?
  • What is a cat’s way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.
  • How did a cat take first prize at the bird show? He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.
  • Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court? For kitty littering.
  • Why are cats better than babies? Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
  • What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat? Hiss and Tell.
  • What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat? A big furry creature that purrs while it sits on your lap and squashes you.
  • What does a cat do when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit.
  • What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator.
  • What happened when the cat went to the flea circus? He stole the whole show!
  • What is a cat’s favourite colour? Purrrrrrrple!
  • Where does a cat go when it loses its tail? The retail store.
  • What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.
  • What do cats use to make coffee? A purrcolator.
  • What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss.
  • If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on? Their paws, dummy.
  • Why is the cat so grouchy? Because he’s in a bad mewd.
  • Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you’re a man or a mouse.
  • How does the cat get its own way? With friendly purrsuasian.
  • What is a cat’s favourite subject in school? HISStory.
  • What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.
  • How do cats end a fight? They hiss and make up.
  • Why are cats such good singers? Because they’re very mewsical.
  • What do you call newborn kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner? Chain litter.
  • What is the cat’s favourite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
  • Why did the cat put oil on the mouse? Because it squeaked.
  • What side of the cat has the most fur? The OUT-side.
  • What kind of cat will keep your grass short? A Lawn Meower.
  • Why did the cat run from the tree? Because it was afraid of the bark!
  • Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he’s always spotted.

The Difference Between Dogs and Cats

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a God!

Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”

Thinking Fast:

Two men are walking their dogs, a poodle and a german shepherd. They decide they’d like to go into a bar for a drink. “But we can’t bring out dogs into that bar,” says the poodle’s human.

“Hey, no problem,” says the german shepherd’s owner. “Just watch this.” He pulls out a pair of sunglasses and walks into the bar.

“Hey, no dogs!” yells the bartender. “But this is a seeing eye dog,” says the german shepherd’s human. The bartender apologizes and shows them to a chair.

So, the poodle owner decides to follow suit, whips out his sunglasses, and walks into the bar. “Hey, no dogs!” yells the bartender. “But this is a seeing eye dog,” says the poodle’s human.

The bartender objects, “Hey, poodles can’t be seeing eye dogs!” The poodle owner gasps, “Poodle? They told me they were giving me a german shepherd!”